So, I ate nothing but sugar and junk for most of August and most of September. After a pounding migraine on Saturday and a pretty good Sunday morning, I decided to weigh myself just to see how badly I’d gained. Truth is, it wasn’t so bad. I’m 307. YEAH, I know…huge. Still not super-huge like I was when I met my Husband…I was 335 then.
So, moving forward…I have read a very good book that gave me some very good insights regarding my binging behaviour. Feeding the Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth is inspiring. It opened my eyes to a disorder I wasn’t aware that I had, for one….and secondly, I made me feel less abnormal. When I get a feeling like I “need” sweets or I “need” a pound of M&M’s…I just ask myself what I REALLY need. If I think it out, I realize that I’m just seeking comfort or something to relieve boredom. Neither of which will be cured by food, so I’m passing on the sweets and junk from now on.
Regardless of whether he’s right or wrong, my Husband flat out told me that he’s “skeptical”. He thinks all my diet books are just excuses to prolong the inevitable. He feels that without utilizing my gym membership, I’ll never meet my goal. I’m not one for competition or “I told ya so”…but I want to lose the weight, just to show him that I can. I’m tired of him saying that he’s attracted to me and that I should lose weight for my health. I don’t believe it, anyways. It might be my upbringing, but I just can’t believe that a man would be so interested in whether I live a healthy, fulfilling life. Call me jaded, but men have been on my shit list lately.
The book said I should look in the mirror and notice all the good things about my body. I don’t have a poor self-image, I don’t think. I regularly look at myself naked and I don’t see that my body is that bad. I have nice boobs, a proportional waist and a nice ass, albeit large. What I hate about ME is the fact that I’m the biggest woman in the room…that I take up too much space on the couch….that I always look like the bruiser….I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me correctly because I have large hips and a smaller waist…I hate having swollen feet and growing out of my clothes from one season to another and I hate it when people are afraid that I’m going to break their furniture.
I hate it that I’m seen as a lazy sloth that can’t “push away from the table”. There are days when I believe my own Husband has that opinion. In his mind, if I’m not working out at the gym, I’m just not doing enough. He always says “dieting isn’t enough”. I don’t think he realizes that I’m carrying 200 lbs more than I should be…I wake up at 6.00 am, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean up, pick up after him, pay our bills, make phone calls and hold a second job. I go to bed at 10.00 pm, BUSHED. If I had the time to go to the gym, I would have to expend energy that I really need to do all the other things for which I am responsible. He says I’m just making excuses. WHATEVER.
This time I HAVE to succeed.
