So yeah….I did it again. Doesn’t matter WHAT I ate, let’s just say….I ate….WELL. I’m giving myself permission to cheat my ass off today, but tomorrow is crunch time.
What’s up with me, anyways? I start out ok, then I crash and burn. It’s like I ENJOY not feeling well and having horribly swollen feet. SHEESH.
Ok..Friday June 13….new beginning…on Friday the 13th, no doubt…..argh.
June 3. Day 3.
I feel hungry. I don’t know if it’s REAL though. How does one determine what is “real” hunger and what is a craving? My stomach is rumbling, but my calorie counts tell me that I shouldn’t be hungry. What’s up with that? I should Google it.
I feel like weighing myself, but I think if I do that, I just might get disappointed in myself and go on an M&M binge. I can’t do that. No weighing. I’ll know when the time is *right*.
I hate being fat. Plain and simple. Wish I was strong enough not to sabotage my weight loss efforts every FREAKIN’ time.
LISTEN UP ERNIE’S BRAIN! When you feel like sabotaging my efforts again, I want you to remember the feeling of my swollen feet, my bloated tummy, my tight clothing and that awful feeling of being winded when I walk up a flight of stairs. Let’s not forget to mention the PURE EXHAUSTION of physical work.
I don’t need fucking sugar. It’s POISON.
As much as it pains me to have such a non-descript and plain title, I’m at a loss. What title could possibly convey all the information I expect to share in my blog? I refuse to worry about the title and instead, hope that the reader will make the decision to return based on my content.
Before getting into specifics, I feel that I should share some fundamental information regarding my writing style–I am very conversational. These pages will serve as a forum to spill the contents of my brain into the cyber-world. Some will be nice, some will be embarassing and some might be sad, but hopefully this will help me realize my goals for the next year.
Onward…
I AM a girl named Ernie. This is truth. The name doesn’t bother me. It’s unique. It’s funny. It’s ME.
I decided to start this blog in order to have a permanent record of my feelings, thoughts and goals mid-way through the year of 2008. My first inclination was to write a physical journal, but because I intend to be truthful with MYSELF, I couldn’t take the chance that my Husband would find my journal. I trust him 100%. I know he wouldn’t read it. I was just terrified that it would end up staring him in the face and I would disappoint him terribly…..
SO, you might ask what I’ve done to deserve such scrutiny from my significant other. Thankfully, it’s not something terrible. I haven’t cheated or spent our savings. I have simply given into another craving that could prove to be more damaging and more disappointing to my Husband than an affair. The truth is, I’ve indulged in a pound-a-day Peanut M&M addiction for the past six weeks.
This back-slide into the world of addiction has earned me a gain of approximately 35 lbs. *sigh*
The reasons why I do this are unclear. I feel like a drug addict, stealing away at lunchtime, visiting a local bulk food store and delivering two scoops of the candy into a clear bag. I return to my office and slowly eat each candy at a rate of about 120 per hour until the entire bag is finished. Sometimes it takes one day, sometimes it takes two days, but that bag NEVER lasts until day three.
Why does something that is so clearly unhealthy make me feel so happy? I feel utterly euphoric while melting the colourful buttons of chocolate-peanutty yumminess into my mouth. It doesn’t occur to me that my clothes are getting smaller by the second and my arteries are crying for mercy. Logically speaking, I KNOW this is destructive behaviour and it has to STOP.
I think I’m just attracted to the colours. It probably has a Sesame Street connection seeing as I’m a child of the 70’s, but that remains to be researched.
