SO, it’s been awhile…..

New attitude–looking forward….changes in list format:

• No more low carb.  Started Weight Watchers.  Lost around 20 lbs.
• Got serious about baby.  No more birth control…quit Effexor.
• Got serious about blogging. 

Curious about the “blogging” thingy? 

I wanted to keep some kind of record for my child.  One day, I want my child to be able to read an account of what I felt before, during and after his/her birth.  Today’s thought—I probably am not pregnant.  I’ve never been very good at predicting my own cycle, but if I’m correct on the physical symptons, I ovulated around the 14th of July….I guess if everything remains “normal” and Aunt Flo doesn’t make an appearance, it might be a good idea to do a pregnancy test.  I’ll try to keep my fingers crossed….

Since I dropped the Low Carb lifestyle, I haven’t felt so addicted to sweets.  I feel pretty much normal now…amazing, really.  I guess our bodies do crave a certain amount of grains….besides that, low carb diets are safe during pregnancy…..

Further to my last post–my ex-Husband and his partner had a lovely dinner with my Husband and I a couple of weeks ago.  I felt that him coming out to me was groundbreaking, but having him for dinner and just being friends was fabulous….No one will ever understand how much happiness this brings me.   I just always needed to know that he was happy…seeing them together really cemented it for me.  I’m so glad he’s found love…..

Trip to Europe was wonderful….traveling 7 hours in a regular aisle seat turned out to be more comfortable than the bulkhead seats we managed to snag for the trip home.  I always forget that the bulkhead seating have solid dividers between them.  I didn’t get to “share” my Husband’s side of the seat as we did on the ride there.  Regardless, I slept all the way there and all the way back.  I even missed the ice cream on the way home…bully on my Hubby for not waking me!

Persistence Reigns Supreme

After 7 weeks on my diet, I can proudly declare that I have now lost 30 lbs!  YEEEE HAWWW!  In the next 7 weeks, I’d love to lost another 30 lbs, but I know that’s not very realistic.  I’d like to at least lose another 10 lbs , however.  Those airline seats are feeling less snug already!  Half way there…..

Since my first goal (trip to Holland) is almost here, I’m focusing more on my second goal which happens to be my yearly physical in July.  If all goes well, I should sail through that like no one’s business.  Who knows how successful I could be by then?

On other matters, I’m happy to say that my ex-Husband came OUT to me last week.  I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.  For almost 8 years, I felt as if I had ruined his life, meanwhile I actually helped him to find himself.  I’m glad he’s found a partner that loves him.  Life is good for both of us.

Updates soon….

If it’s Sweet, I Can’t Have Just One

From time to time I have days where I’m completely idle at work.   It’s on those days that I find myself Googling low carb sites and essays, just to keep myself in check.  Today I found myself reading some very uplifting information about the benefits of low carbing and the Inuit Paradox.  It was very enlightening and interesting, but through the magic of the Internet, those articles ultimately led me to some low carb forum.  Not that I’m against forums–the last time I was truly successful at low carbing, I spent a good amount of time posting in several low carb forums and for a while, I felt that was the secret to my sucess.  The problem is, many of the forums focus on replacing sugary sweets with low carb alternatives.

Low carb alternatives to dessert usually include things such as cream cheese, unsweetened cocoa, butter, whipped cream, sugar free Jello and peanut butter.  Although these items aren’t evil on their own, once doctored to taste like something I would have normally eaten when I wasn’t dieting, they become my kryptonite.  Peanut butter is the worst.  With a little liquid Splenda, one can whip up a batch of pretty yummy peanut butter cookies.  While many on the forums say that these morsels “curb” their sugar cravings, the result is exactly the opposite for me.

In the past, I tried every low carb sweet recipe imaginable.  I’ve made cookies, fudge, brownies, cakes, cupcakes, chocolate bars–you name it, I’ve tried it.  At some point, I felt that I had an obsession with making so-called “low carb” treats.    The outcome was always the same–I’d make a recipe, cut it up into the suggested serving sizes and eat the entire recipe.   In short, I simply gave into the same kind of unhealthy practices that I had before I had lost the weight. 

What most low carbers don’t know is that these faux sweets actually make you crave the real stuff MORE.  I found after many years of getting caught in the same spiral, that I wasn’t getting the seratonin boost from the sugar so I simply binged on these sweets like a drug addict attempting to get his buzz.  Unfortunately for my addicted brain, Splenda doesn’t have any affect on seratonin or insulin, so the boost just never materialized.  I was physically full, but mentally unsatisfied.  Typically, I would look for a better recipe.   Since that “recipe” just didn’t exist, I’d find myself having “cheat days” when I purchased scads of crap, including Entemann’s cakes, tubs of frosting and any other item that contained a ridiculous amount of processed sugar.    I have fallen into this trap too many times and I can’t even count how many times I’ve lost 50 lbs then gained it all back during one of these episodes, only to start all over again.

 With all the extra cream, cheese and other high calorie fillers, I’d  gain weight while still “on plan”  and then curse Atkins for having lied to me.  (Actually, Dr. Atkins would probably roll over in his grave if he knew all the crap people invent and call “low carb”)…I was in such a state of denial.  I told myself that these things were “ok” and that if OTHERS on my forums could eat this way, why couldn’t I?  The simple answer (that I wouldn’t accept back then) is because I am an ADDICT. 

I’ve mentioned before that watching Intervention has given me some very good insight into the addictive mind.  The mindsets and the denial I see on that program are so close to the way I feel about sugar.   Addicts seem to make promises that they don’t intend to keep (I will go to treatment when I’m finished…*blank* (insert useless project here)….I have always said “I’ll lose weight when I move out of the house” (never happened).   When an addict is high, they feel that they will quit their addiction “tomorrow”.  After I’ve eaten a ton of junk and on a sugar rush, I always feel the MOST dedicated to dieting.  Addicts sometimes hide their addiction from family and friends….I hide my eating from family and friends.

I’m definitely NOT comparing myself to these poor souls that have to work so hard at getting their life back in sync, but what I am paralleling is the mindset that is evident between myself and a heroin addict, for instance.  I sometimes feel just as out of control and hopeless as these subjects appear on the show.  Spiraling out of control, knowing the behaviour has to end, but continuing on the same path, day in and day out.  It’s so depressing and although I realize that only I can stop it, I feel overwhelmed.

Thankfully for me, I have found that the moment I take control of myself and change my eating habits, my brain submits.  This is not to say that the urge to eat the wrong foods doesn’t gnaw at me on some days—it simply gives me the control I require to get through every day.  I use the method that is taught at AA–one day at a time.  I feel that I have succeeded on a small scale, if I can go to bed at night and tell myself that I have eaten properly and I haven’t downed a pound of M&M’s.  Keeping myself on a good eating regimen (three meals a day works for me, not grazing) keeps me focused and consistent.   When I’m not obsessing with sweets, my mind is clear to concentrate on my healthy meals. 

Eating healthy is a choice…..and one I intend to keep.

Ah, Great Success!

I have mustered up enough courage and willpower to lose 25lbs.  I want to be all cavalier and say it was easy (it actually feels easy) but it wasn’t.  I went through a terrible rough patch of PMS last week that led me to eat one of those 100 calorie packs of Chips Ahoy cookies.  Not a great choice, but somehow it worked.  The cookies didn’t push me to eat tons of junk.  So, I’m calling success on the first 25 lbs.

I thought detailing my goals for 2009 (weight-wise) might be helpful in keeping me on track.  They are the following, in chronological order:

• First goal,  April 12, 2009.  I would like to have lost another 20 lbs by this date.  The very next day, Hubby and I will be leaving for our first European vacation in 4 years, so I want to be up for it.  Lots of walking should help me to lose weight, even while I’m vacationing.

 

• Second goal, July 8, 2009.  I would like to have lost another 20 lbs by this date.  It is the date of my yearly physical and if I can strut in there at 255 lbs….I’ll be a happy camper.

 

• Third goal, August 2009.  My Aunt is getting married some time in August and I would like to be 10 lbs lighter by then.  It’ll be a slice if I can parade around her wedding at 245 lbs.

 

• Fourth goal, October 2009.  I would like to lose another 20 lbs by this date.   My inlaws always visit in October.  This October, I’d love to WOW my Mother in law by showing her how much weight I’ve lost.

 

• Fifth goal, December 2009.  Christmas.  I want to be 10 lbs smaller.  I’ll be within sniffing distance of my goal weight and that’s a great place to be at Christmas.

So, 105 lbs of weight loss in 2009.  Not too shabby.  If I can make these goals (and they’re not incredibly unrealistic) I should be at my goal weight by next year, March/April.   When I get there, my ultimate goal is to get pregnant.

Many ask me why I would bother to lose weight before I get pregnant.  My reasons are good ones—I believe that it’s more difficult to give birth when you’re heavy and out of shape.  Not to mention, swollen feet while carrying a baby at 300 lbs is brutal…why not lose the weight so it’s more comfortable?  I’m going to have stretched skin, so I’m going to get pregnant, let it stretch out all it wants and after I’ve given birth, I think I’m going to opt for a tummy tuck.  

Pregnancy and all other goals aside, there are some reasons why I want to lose weight that have nothing to do with my goals.  In fact, they are things that I HATE about being fat and I definitely HATE experiencing. 

The short list:

1. Swollen feet in the summertime.  Ugh.  Mine swell so large, not even a double dose of diruetics will bring them within normal range.  I have to wear sandals—no normal shoes will fit!
2. Achy feet.  I love doing things…cooking, cleaning, walking, socializing…these things are difficult when your feet hurt.
3. Outgrown clothes/not being able to find my size.  It’s not enough that I was 320 lbs, I had to have a grossly oversized ass that won’t fit into ANYTHING.  I’ve tried on size 32/33 in the US that was TIGHT.  Give me a break.  I hate my ass more than anything.
4. Body odor/inability to wash.  Yeah, you heard me.  When I hit 320 lbs, I can’t wash myself properly anymore.  I’ts about having short arms and a grossly huge ass.  I hate it.  I’m a clean person and I REFUSE to reek just because I can’t clean myself.  Pathetic.
5. Exhaustion.  Yep–I like to do lots of things and if I’m exhausted because I can’t carry this pathetically large body around, it pisses me off.

So, I’ve written it.  There’s no more excuses for not doing this.  When I “forget” why I’m losing weight, I have somewhere to refer.

Onward….

PMS…The Monster In My Closet

Today my three day battle with PMS came to a halt when I succumbed to 1 cookie, 1 package of ThinSations cookies and a chocolate chip muffin.  A mere shadow of what I may have eaten in the past when smacked square in the face with the PMS monster, but a failure nonetheless.   I’m not letting this define my success, however.  

After having booked our tickets for Amsterdam this morning, the need to lose weight has come to the forefront—I don’t have bulkhead seats.   My Husband and I are going to be sandwiched together in the 27th row for 7 hours.  If I can lose 40 lbs, I’ll be SO much better off on that flight…*sigh*…it shouldn’t be too difficult to lose.  I’ll have to remember to keep my eye on goal and not let the temptations get the best of me.

Earlier this week I watched a documentary on TLC about a woman who was 29 years old and weighed 900 lbs.  I found it amazing that a person could gain 900 lbs in 29 years.  Although the woman,  Renee Willams, mentioned in an open plea on the internet that she wished to dispel the myth that overweight people grossly overeat, her own daughter mentioned her Mom “eating her feelings” and once eating 8 junior hamburgers from a well-known burger restaurant. 

This made me wonder if someone who weighed 900 lbs could have an appetite strong enough to eat 8 hamburgers, wouldn’t a 300 lb person like myself have a greater appetite than someone like my Sister, who weighs 120lbs?  I’ve often had lunch with my Sister and watched her eat half of her sandwich and take the other half home.  She is legitimately full.  I couldn’t be full on a half sandwich, so what gives?   Could it be that once fat cells become large, they desire to be fed?  Do fat people stretch their stomachs and require extra food to feel satisfied?  

 I wish I had more time to research these things, but I don’t have the patience for diet research.   I’m tired of hearing the “ease” of eating less.  I’m tired of hearing about will power.   While I’ll agree that a calorie deficit is required for weight loss, I think eating protein for the sake of staying satisfied is greatly underestimated when it comes to the dieting “experts”.   Eliminating processed foods has always worked for me.  Simply eating less has not.  Eating less of the wrong foods makes you feel starved–no wonder low calorie diets are so difficult to maintain!  Besides, I’ve been following a low carb diet for 2 weeks and I’ve lost 16 lbs–that’s proof enough for me that it works.  Let’s see how I do after this brutal PMS week…..

New Year, New Goals…

Over the Christmas Holidays, I decided it was best to get back to my healthy way of eating.   It was obvious that a pound of M&M’s, eaten over the course of two days was killing me.  The headaches were becoming unbearable, not to mention the sluggishness, shortness of breath and overall bloated feeling.  Who was I kidding?  There is no freedom in telling yourself that you’re free to eat whatever you choose–short term gain for long term pain.

I do have some weight-reated goals:

1.  I’d like to be a Mother and good Moms are not obese.  I want to have energy so I can spend quality time with my child–not to mention the health benefits of being fit during pregnancy.  I’m concerned about my child’s health and I don’t feel I can be a good role model for healthy eating if I don’t actually eat healthy ALL THE TIME.

2.  I’m travelling to Europe in April and I’d like to be comfortable in my seat for the 7 hour flight.   Europe isn’t like North America.  We won’t have a car while we’re there, so it will be public transportation and walking for 2 weeks.  I don’t want to have sore and swollen feet.

In my lifetime, I have made goals like this.  Unfortunately, I often “cheat” while I’m on vacation OR I feel that my work is done once the goal comes to pass.  This cannot happen in 2009.   Speaking in health terms, I can afford to go hog wild (excuse the pun) with food.  I have to show some restrait.  I have to be healthy and fit. 

Over the weekend, I considered that blogging my progress from time to time would serve as an incentive as well as a method of saving my thoughts.  The idea of writing a book about my trials and tribulations has crossed my mind.  Diet books are popular and inspirational writings come in so many configurations, but how many books are written by people who haven’t succeeded?  I want to succeed, but I want others to know that it was a long process, rather than something that was “magic” once I found the secret.  As a fat woman, I want other women to know that I did this for my health, rather than for the sake of being “accepted” by others.  One would assume that in this day of successful women, it wouldn’t be difficult to find someone who agreed with me, but I have YET to find a woman who loses weight and doesn’t aspire to be “hot”. 

I have been low-carbing since Jan 5th, 2009.  I am not super strict with myself.  What’s the point?  I learned the hard way that my type A approach to dieting is the kiss of death.  More than once, I’ve dieted myself into a cravings stupor that led me to my pound-a-day M&M’s habit that overcame me for half of 2008.  My mantra is simple–if there are few low-carb choices, eat smaller portions of the carby things.   When faced with sweets, the choice is NOT to indulge at all.  Sweets only making the cravings monster worse, so why bother?  At the moment, my cravings are gone…..

I have my yearly physical on July 8, 2009.   I want to be able to be weighed without cringing on that day.  I want my Doctor to congratulate me on my progress and be proud of my accomplishments.  It will be a difficult process, but I plan to get there.  Who knows?  I  might even exercise!

Slipped again, back again.

So, I ate nothing but sugar and junk for most of August and most of September.  After a pounding migraine on Saturday and a pretty good Sunday morning, I decided to weigh myself just to see how badly I’d gained.  Truth is, it wasn’t so bad.  I’m 307.  YEAH, I know…huge.  Still not super-huge like I was when I met my Husband…I was 335 then.

So, moving forward…I have read a very good book that gave me some very good insights regarding my binging behaviour.  Feeding the Hungry Heart by Geneen Roth is inspiring.  It opened my eyes to a disorder I wasn’t aware that I had, for one….and secondly, I made me feel less abnormal.  When I get a feeling like I “need” sweets or I “need” a pound of M&M’s…I just ask myself what I REALLY need.  If I think it out, I realize that I’m just seeking comfort or something to relieve boredom.  Neither of which will be cured by food, so I’m passing on the sweets and junk from now on.

Regardless of whether he’s right or wrong, my Husband flat out told me that he’s “skeptical”.  He thinks all my diet books are just excuses to prolong the inevitable.  He feels that without utilizing my gym membership, I’ll never meet my goal.  I’m not one for competition or “I told ya so”…but I want to lose the weight, just to show him that I can.  I’m tired of him saying that he’s attracted to me and that I should lose weight for my health.  I don’t believe it, anyways.  It might be my upbringing, but I just can’t believe that a man would be so interested in whether I live a healthy, fulfilling life.  Call me jaded, but men have been on my shit list lately.

The book said I should look in the mirror and notice all the good things about my body.  I don’t have a poor self-image, I don’t think.  I regularly look at myself naked and I don’t see that my body is that bad.  I have nice boobs, a proportional waist and a nice ass, albeit large.  What I hate about ME is the fact that I’m the biggest woman in the room…that I take up too much space on the couch….that I always look like the bruiser….I hate not being able to find clothes that fit me correctly because I have large hips and a smaller waist…I hate having swollen feet and growing out of my clothes from one season to another and I hate it when people are afraid that I’m going to break their furniture. 

I hate it that I’m seen as a lazy sloth that can’t “push away from the table”.  There are days when I believe my own Husband has that opinion.  In his mind, if I’m not working out at the gym, I’m just not doing enough.  He always says “dieting isn’t enough”.  I don’t think he realizes that I’m carrying 200 lbs more than I should be…I wake up at 6.00 am, go to work, come home, make dinner, clean up, pick up after him, pay our bills, make phone calls and hold a second job.  I go to bed at 10.00 pm, BUSHED.  If I had the time to go to the gym, I would have to expend energy that I really need to do all the other things for which I am responsible.  He says I’m just making excuses.  WHATEVER.

This time I HAVE to succeed. 

This Good Girl…

…lost some weight!  Wooo hooo! 

This morning I hesitated while choosing my wardrobe because I didn’t want to try on my orange shirt. I love it, but I knew the last time I wore it, it felt very snug.  This morning, it fit nicely!  YAY!  I’m so proud of myself! 

I haven’t touched any of the legalized drug, sugar since July 21 and I have to say, I feel great!  The weight loss is a fabulous side-effect, as well!

We’re having houseguests from Europe from tonight until Monday so I hope that I can stay on track.  I’m not worried–I can do this!

I’ve been a very good girl…

…for almost a week!

I have been sugar-free since Monday….today will be my fourth CLEAN day and I feel great!  I’ve been detoxing all week.  Thankfully, my detox manifests itself as gastro-intestinal issues and not headaches and other nasty things.

Two weeks ago, I couldn’t drive to work without getting an urge (and usually following through) to go to a 24 hour grocery and pick up Cakesters, Peanut Butter M&Ms and other sweet treats garbage.  This morning I realized that what I consider to be extreme hunger was actually extreme CRAVINGS.   My cravings were fueled by the increasing amount of sugar I was literally shoveling into my body.

I listened to a great show on Coast to Coast AM this week about sugar being the oldest drug legalized and sold en masse to the public.  How true that is!  As soon as the substance is out of my system, I become a different person.  My mood swings subside, I have more energy, I’m far less drowsy in the morning and my body doesn’t retain water.  I’m far more productive at work because my brain isn’t being sidetracked by cravings of sugary junk and when I’m going to get my next ‘fix’. 

My limited experience with addiction begins and ends with my obsession with the television show “Intervention”, yet I can definitely see parallels between how I feel and the feelings of those who are addicted to much worse things like heroin, cocaine and meth.  The only difference between what I experience is that I tend to hide my addiction (probably because being a chronic overeater makes you more withdrawn) and many of the addicts on Intervention are completely open about their addiction to drugs.

Tomorrow I will be on vacation.  My short term goal is to make it through until Tuesday without falling off the wagon…..hopefully, I’ll be able to come back and shout about my victory.  Only time will tell….

Finally Hit Rock Bottom…

…on the weekend. 

I knew something had changed because the delicious Chocolate Gooey Cake that I made on Friday night just didn’t taste good to me. I guess the guilt and weight gain isn’t worth the sweet gooeyness any longer.  Good.  This means I’m ready to begin my healthy lifestyle…

My first plan of attack is to get into ketosis.  For those who aren’t familiar with low-carb dieting, ketosis is a state of fat burning that is attained through the elimination of almost all carbohydrate from the diet.  I kick-start this process by eating only meat and eggs for 3 to 4 days.  It usually works very well.  After 3 days, all the stored water weight is eliminated along with all cravings for sweets. 

I haven’t considered any long term goals just yet.  I suppose I’d be happy to fit into last year’s clothes…hopefully, that isn’t too far off…..